What comes to mind when you think about the word ‘boundary’? While you answer that within you, let me tell you a story. Like any Nigerian household, there are rules in my house. My dad has a profound rule that has stuck with me to date. The Rule: Don’t take anyone’s property unless permitted to. It’s common in a Nigerian household to put something somewhere and not find it where you left it. Worse still, if it’s something edible, forget it, it’s gone. My father frowns at this so much and we used to take it for granted until he taught us a lesson.
In my family, the only accepted drink is Pepsi. I don’t know what it is about that brand but that’s just it. Our friends know this and sometimes, my house looks like we have a Pepsi factory from all the bottles we have at home. Anyway, my brother got back home that day, went to the fridge, saw a bottle of Pepsi there and drank it. He knew it was my dad’s and he planned to buy another to replace it. Unfortunately, my dad got back before he replaced it.
Instead of buying just one which he took, my dad demanded two. Funny right? So we thought too until we realized he wasn’t joking. My brother had no choice but to buy two. After buying it, he told him the next time it happens, he’s buying a pack. It’s a joke in my family today but we learnt a lesson that day. As simple as it might have been, you can rest, assured that whatever edible you leave at home, you’ll always find it. If anyone will take your stuff, they’ll call you beforehand for your permission and if you say “No”, that’s it. No two ways about it.
I learnt about boundaries and ways to communicate my boundaries at a tender age. All thanks to my dad. Boundaries are personal and they vary according to individual. What I consider as my boundaries might not be yours. Setting boundaries is essential for maintaining a healthy and balanced life. However, saying “no” can be difficult, especially when we worry about disappointing others or coming across as unkind. Regardless, it’s possible to set limits without feeling guilty.
The first step to saying no is understanding your limits. Ask yourself what you can realistically handle. What are your priorities? What activities or commitments drain your energy? Knowing your limits will help you make decisions that work for your well-being. Saying no is a powerful tool for self-care. It allows you to prioritize your needs and avoid overcommitting yourself. When you say no to things that don’t serve you, you create space for what matters.
While saying “No”, you can be straightforward without being harsh. For example, “I appreciate the offer, but I won’t be able to make it”. You don’t need to give a long explanation. A simple “I’m sorry, I can’t” is often enough. If you want to help but can’t commit to the original request, suggest another way you could assist. You can say “I can’t …………, but I’d be happy to help ………” Also, remember it’s natural to feel guilty when you say “No”, especially if you’re used to being a people-pleaser. It’s nothing to beat yourself up about. You have the right to prioritize your needs, so saying “No” doesn’t make you a bad person.
Be gentle with yourself as you navigate setting boundaries. It’s okay to feel uncomfortable or guilty at first. With time, it will become easier. Keep this in mind and let it be your mantra “Every time you say yes to something, you’re saying no to something else; potentially something more important to you”.
See you in my next post,
Love, Tia.
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